Every 'Fast & Furious' Movie, Ranked By How Accurately They Predicted Vin Diesel Would Total My Brand New Hyundai Elantra

When The Fast and the Furious came out in 2001 no one could have ever predicted that the franchise would become one of the most beloved, electrifying action franchises of a generation. Nor could have anyone predicted that one day, nearly 2 decades later, Vin Diesel would total my brand new Hyundai Elantra. So strap in, shift into gear and get your NOS ready while we rank every film in the franchise by just how well they foretold my glorious Hyundai Elantra’s demise.

9. 2 Fast 2 Furious – Vin Diesel isn't even in this one. This was when he fancied himself too good to do sequels thinking they would hurt his career. Boy was he wrong, just like I was wrong for buying new instead of certified-pre-owned when buying a car.

8. Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw – Again, Vin Diesel’s absence from this movie keeps it low on the list. Having said that, the movie only exists as a product of Vin Diesel’s off-screen feuding with The Rock, which in itself is a breadcrumb in the trail of Vin Diesel’s selfish behavior that would one day befall me and my car.

7. The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift – This one takes place in Japan, so geographically speaking, Drift has little predictive power about the fate of my Elantra beyond that race through a California construction site. However, Vin Diesel’s uncredited cameo appearance no doubt sends the ominous message that he will one day come back to destroy my 4-wheeled pride and joy.

6. Fast & Furious – With a tagline as awesome as “New Model, Original Parts” teasing the return of the stars of the original film, the level of disappointment I felt watching this movie (by far the most bland in the entire series) matched exactly the feeling of emptiness I felt calling Allstate roadside assistance the day of the accident.

5. The Fate of the Furious – There is a scene where the gang hacks into the computers of half the cars in Manhattan, causing them to crash. If only I had known this before the insurance agent ruled against my claim, citing clear tampering with my Elantra’s electronic control unit the day Vin Diesel took it off the road for good.

4. Fast Five – The film that revitalized the franchise by bringing in The Rock; who Vin Diesel literally punches through a wall. While the most electrifying man in sports entertainment single handedly saves this franchise Vin Diesel only cares to destroy and ravage no matter the cost (which was $21,199 for me).

3. The Fast and the Furious – Every American remembers exactly where they were the moment they saw Paul Walker hit that NOS button for the first time. Much like I witnessed Vin Diesel look me in the eye, aim his vehicle at my Elantra, and engage his NOS as I drove down the Pacific Coast Highway.

2.  Furious 7 – I guess this was a real case of wrong-place/wrong-time, but when Vin Diesel had Ludacris drop a car out of a plane and onto my already wrecked Hyundai, I knew I was the patsy in some sort of heist. All I have left is public transportation.

1. Fast and Furious 6 – In the mid-credits scene, Han is T-boned by an oncoming car and then Vin Diesel walks on screen, points towards the audience, and says, “I’m coming for you Dan. Just like this. You and your brand new Hyundai Elantra need to watch yourselves.” Boy was he not kidding around.


Type:
Run Time:
Genre:
MORE FROM THE PLOT TWIST

Paddington Cinematic Universe Creates Shared Fantasy World Where Kindness And Decency Win

LONDON, UK — Representatives from Studiocanal UK confirmed today that the third Paddington film would be part of a...

Extended Cut Of 'The Lighthouse' Adds 20 Minutes of Robert Pattinson Masturbating

LOS ANGELES — An upcoming extended-release of modern art-house horror classic The Lighthouse promises additional...

MCU Heroes, Ranked By How Likely We Think They Would Be To Get The COVID-19 Vaccine

Avengers: Endgame rounded out Marvel’s Phase 3 with The Avengers working to save half the population from eradication...

Help! I Dyed My Hair Blue And Now Men Won’t Stop Projecting Romantic Idealism Onto Me

I dyed my hair blue and now I’m trapped in some random guy’s dream and I can’t stop rollerblading!! All I wanted...

Experts No Closer To Determining Why Jared Leto Standing Outside Your Window Every Night

LOS ANGELES — Despite years of research, experts have come no closer to determining why award-winning actor-musician...

Sad Director Hires Phoebe Bridgers To Write Sad Song For Sad Movie

SAD CITY — Ashing a cigarette on a tear-soaked manuscript in celebration, a forlorn Charlie Kaufman finalized...