Werner Herzog Unfazed By Ghost Living in His Bathroom

LOS ANGELES – Renowned filmmaker Werner Herzog has continued to live his life completely unbothered by the supernatural entity haunting his bathroom for months, according to friends and family surprised by spectral terrors while trying to pee.

“This being, what we call a 'ghost,' is merely a representation of the self; I am more interested in the living human, not it's shadow,” said Herzog, as his toothbrush holder launched itself across the room and shattered onto the floor. “Does the ghost dream? Does it think? Or is it just a trick of light, flitting through the shower curtain to watch me bathe, only to disappear in resignation as my soapy body refuses its gaze?"

Though it's hard to decipher the poltergeist's exact mood and motives, as it mostly communicates in moans and cryptic blood-scrawled messages on walls, friends describe the general energy as one of befuddled chagrin.

“I come over once after filming and hear crying in the bathroom... When I go in, the words 'PAY ATTENTION TO ME ):' are smeared over the mirror,” recalls The Mandalorian co-star Pedro Pascal. “I told Werner about it and he shrugged and said 'the soul seeks satisfaction, even in death.' Not sure what to make of that.”

Paranormal experts who have examined the scene drew similar conclusions, hypothesizing the extremity of the phantom’s behavior is due to Herzog's apparently inquisitive, but detached attitude.

“I've never seen anything like it... these paranormal readings are off the charts and he's just calmly washing his hands,” said paranormal investigator Gary Collins, clearly shaken by the horrors he has witnessed. “The ceiling is gushing blood, there's ectoplasm all over the floor, and the toilet paper is levitating an inch from his face—literally waving across his face trying to get a rise out of him. And all he does is say, 'Curious, no?'”

At press time, the ghost announced via toothpaste its intentions to move on, opting to instead haunt celebrated documentarian Ken Burns.

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