Clifford Euthanized Following Deadly Car Accident
BIRDWELL ISLAND, Mass. — Dog whisperers across the country mourned Friday morning as beloved giganto-viszla Clifford The Big Red Dog was euthanized following his involvement in a car accident that claimed the lives of 5, pet hospital staff reported.
“It really was a tragedy, the way his three-ton tail struck the Barker family’s Toyota RAV4, killing all 4 family members on impact and leaving their pet Cairn Terrier, Frito to bleed out in the street,” said Buck Tucker, the euthanasia specialist at Kind Hearts Animal Shelter responsible for putting Clifford down.
“But to be honest, I’m a little excited. This is the first time we’ve gotten to use ‘The Big Sleep’ since Black Beauty kicked a kid full-force in the face.” He added, heartily slapping a 6-foot-tall, 22-gallon syringe labelled ‘death juice.’ “It’ll be a sight to see.”
Perhaps the most shocking development to come out of the accident was the Birdwell District Attorney’s decision to prosecute The Big Red Dog for premeditated murder.
“You assholes thought I was insane for filing charges against Clifford, but the fact is, we’ve spent years building this case. He was a menace to humans and dogs alike,” said lead prosecutor Nancy Doodle. “In addition to evidence that Clifford spent time on anti-Cairn terrier chatrooms, we have surveillance footage of The Big Red Dog – his legal last name – using his 25-foot frame to terrorize everyone human and canine alike at the dog park, including Frito, one of the victims.”
Clifford received the maximum penalty the United States justice system allows in part because he failed to show remorse.
“I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again. Give me the death penalty, I dare you,” court records show The Big Red Dog threatening Judge Andrew Wang during sentencing, “I’ve taken shits bigger than you, you plebian. I’ll crush you into a dog crepe like I did Frito. I’ll fuck your mom. I’m 25 feet fucking tall, you can’t kill me.”
At press time, Paramount Pictures announced Clifford’s post-mortem film, starring The Big Red Dog himself and Kenan Thompson, will premiere on November 5, 2021.