Clifford Euthanized Following Deadly Car Accident

BIRDWELL ISLAND, Mass. — Dog whisperers across the country mourned Friday morning as beloved giganto-viszla Clifford The Big Red Dog was euthanized following his involvement in a car accident that claimed the lives of 5, pet hospital staff reported.

“It really was a tragedy, the way his three-ton tail struck the Barker family’s Toyota RAV4, killing all 4 family members on impact and leaving their pet Cairn Terrier, Frito to bleed out in the street,” said Buck Tucker, the euthanasia specialist at Kind Hearts Animal Shelter responsible for putting Clifford down.

“But to be honest, I’m a little excited. This is the first time we’ve gotten to use ‘The Big Sleep’ since Black Beauty kicked a kid full-force in the face.” He added, heartily slapping a 6-foot-tall, 22-gallon syringe labelled ‘death juice.’ “It’ll be a sight to see.”

Perhaps the most shocking development to come out of the accident was the Birdwell District Attorney’s decision to prosecute The Big Red Dog for premeditated murder.

“You assholes thought I was insane for filing charges against Clifford, but the fact is, we’ve spent years building this case. He was a menace to humans and dogs alike,” said lead prosecutor Nancy Doodle. “In addition to evidence that Clifford spent time on anti-Cairn terrier chatrooms, we have surveillance footage of The Big Red Dog – his legal last name – using his 25-foot frame to terrorize everyone human and canine alike at the dog park, including Frito, one of the victims.”

Clifford received the maximum penalty the United States justice system allows in part because he failed to show remorse.

“I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again. Give me the death penalty, I dare you,” court records show The Big Red Dog threatening Judge Andrew Wang during sentencing, “I’ve taken shits bigger than you, you plebian. I’ll crush you into a dog crepe like I did Frito. I’ll fuck your mom. I’m 25 feet fucking tall, you can’t kill me.”

At press time, Paramount Pictures announced Clifford’s post-mortem film, starring The Big Red Dog himself and Kenan Thompson, will premiere on November 5, 2021.

Type:
Run Time:
Genre:
MORE FROM THE PLOT TWIST

‘I Totally Relate To Nomadland,’ Says Wealthy Van-Lifer With 100k Followers

YOSEMITE, Calif. — 24-year-old van-lifer, influencer, and yearslong recipient of her parents’ financial support Ella...

Closure of Beloved Bookstore Chain Devastates Los Angeles

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Los Angeles residents were shocked to find out Monday afternoon that Arclight, the beloved chain...

CDC Pauses Production of Dwayne Johnson & Don Johnson Buddy Cop Film

LOS ANGELES — The Center for Disease Control and Prevention issued a statement Wednesday morning announcing the...

Adventure Movie Scientists Warn Climate Change May Eradicate World's Quicksand, Snake Pits

PETRA, JORDAN — In a new study inked in blood and printed on parchment, the Association of Adventure Movie Scientists...

Paul Thomas Anderson Movie Nominated For Oscar During Pre-Production

LOS ANGELES — During a pre-production discussion about the upcoming Paul Thomas Anderson film, producers, cast and...

Aaron Sorkin's Suez Canal Screenplay Just 300 Pages Of White People Talking

PORT SAID, Egypt — After increasing chatter from industry experts, Aaron Sorkin announced Wednesday that he's...