Sad Director Hires Phoebe Bridgers To Write Sad Song For Sad Movie

SAD CITY —  Ashing a cigarette on a tear-soaked manuscript in celebration, a forlorn Charlie Kaufman finalized contracts with sad singer/songwriter Phoebe Bridgers to write a sad song for his sad, sad, depressfest of a forthcoming movie, utterly miserable sources reported.

“I want this movie to hurt,” Kaufman admitted, finally coming clean about his compulsion to inflict psychological suffering on his audience. “And Phoebe’s music is perfect for that. She writes songs that make you want to lie down in the shower and pull the covers over your head. The song will be a focal point of the film, we’re struggling with its placement. Should it be during the scene where the main character has to send her puppy to war? Or when her first lesbian lover gets hit by a bus trying to save a child, who dies anyway?”

Bridgers was excited to have the opportunity to score a film.

“You told me you listen to my music on rainy afternoons in your room/But I want you to hear it and think of me/when you’re on a date with someone else,” pondered Bridgers while giving herself a stick-n-poke of a frowny face through her skeleton pajamas. “I wanted a puppy, so you got one for me/But I never expected you’d gift me back all the pain I hid/under my bed when I was little. ...Shit, I think I just actually wrote it.”

Fans of Bridgers are confident this opportunity could allow her music to depress an even wider audience.

“She could win the Oscar for Best Song,” extolled Violet Chilton, a Bridgers superfan and resident mall goth. “That is, if the Academy has the energy to vote afterwards, let alone finish the movie. I’m just worried that a Phoebe song in a sad movie might cause people to overload on sorrow. When you listen to her, only one of your senses is exposed to the pure-grade depresso stream. But put her in a movie and you’ll get the weepies injected directly into both your eyes and ears. Anyway, can’t wait to watch it. I’m gonna ball my eyes out. Love it already.”

At press time, Bridgers announced plans to bring her beloved angst to the film industry with production company Saddest Factory Studios.

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