Edward Norton Shows Up At Starbucks to Rewrite Man’s Screenplay

TOWSON, Md. — Acclaimed actor and consummate perfectionist Edward Norton appeared randomly at a local Starbucks Monday morning to provide unsolicited rewrites on aspiring writer Jason Kendricks’ unfinished screenplay, sources begrudgingly confirmed.

“I was just going about my day of being a national treasure when I thought to stop for a coffee, and this writer just so happened to be at the same Starbucks,” explained Norton while punching up dialogue in the script for Keeping the Faith 2: Keep Faith-ening. “Being somewhat of a script doctor myself, I was happy to share my thoughts about every single detail of Jason’s script. I know I may be pretty famous, I guess, but I’m never too famous to take the time to completely reshape someone’s life work.”

Kendricks shared his experience on his impromptu workshop with Mr. Norton on his unfinished screenplay Suzy’s Visit to Jonestown.

“I was trying to shit out a few pages of dialogue to get some ideas on the page when fucking Edward Norton appeared out of nowhere and started giving my notes on pacing,” said a still-confused Kendricks. “I mean, he was really nice and all, but who the fuck just does that? I just wish I had asked for his number or something because I don’t have anyone to pitch this script to. He could probably help get it greenlit once I finally read his completely rewritten third act.”

Director Wes Anderson, who has worked with Norton on several films, detailed his perspective on the actor’s constant script interference.

“Look, there are actor demands that go into the making of every movie, but holy shit, he’s persistent about that shit. I remember when I was making Moonrise Kingdom, his character originally had like four lines, max! But I let him take a pass at the script and suddenly the film was twenty minutes longer and included a weird subplot where he fucked Bill Murray’s wife for some reason. Thankfully we cut most of it in editing, but still, those were some fairly uncomfortable reshoots.”

At press time, Edward Norton had contacted Plot Twist to provide advice for how to lengthen his character arc in this article, holy goddamn shit.

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