Martin Scorsese Takes Chance On Unknown Actor In Forthcoming Movie

Apple

NEW YORK — Further solidifying his status as a titan of the entertainment industry, legendary director Martin Scorcese has taken a chance on unknown talent by hiring a middle-aged nobody to star in his upcoming film Killers of the Flower Moon, the New York Post reports.

“I have no idea who this guy is,” Ben Cost reported for the Post while doodling hearts around a Photoshopped image of Bill Gates and a scantily-clad Sasquatch. “His eyes are cold. His clothes, disheveled. His features, average. Frankly, I don’t even know if he’s human. This sick, depraved heap of supposedly-human flesh almost looks like Leonardo DiCaprio if he stopped draining youthful life-force from his girlfriends. Scorcese is a sick fuck for making us look at this turd.”

Scorsese refutes claims that he is a “sick fuck.”

“Listen, this guy might be new in the industry for a middle-aged actor, but that doesn’t mean he’s bad. I was talking to Leo about Killers, and I told him that it would be embarrassing to cast him again after they made a whole Wikipedia page about our bromance. So Leo says to me ‘Don’t worry, I’ve got the perfect replacement,’ and sends this guy I’ve never seen in my life over for an audition. I immediately fell for him. There’s still room for new talent around here.”

Fans are still unconvinced of the actor’s capabilities.

“That’s literally just Leonardo DiCaprio,” said USC film student Kelsey Ritter. “I would know him anywhere, especially in the usual places: in a Scorsese movie, in a role where his character dies by drowning, and in my DMs. Nobody’s actually shocked to see an actor change their appearance to fit their roles, right? It’s literally their job. Also, he doesn’t even look that different. You’re all so dumb.”

At press time, the New York Post had published an unsourced conspiracy theory accusing Hillary Clinton of bankrolling Scorsese’s career to brainwash influential liberals in Hollywood.

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