Furious Lin-Manuel Miranda Bursts Through Wall After Local Teen Throws Away Shot
WICHITA, Kan. — Musical theater magnate Lin-Manuel Miranda erupted through the walls of high school cafeteria to confront 14-year-old Carlos Feldman after the freshman considered throwing away his hopes and dreams, school officials reported.
"I was accepted into the regional Wichita Spelling Bee Championships but I turned it down because I didn’t want the bullies like Two-Punch Angela to make fun of me for wanting to be the Best Speller of All-Time,” said Feldman, pushing up his horn-rimmed glasses. “The last thing that I expected was an adventitious appearance from the Hamilton guy! I’m surprised he could make the time for it considering all the hot water for In the Heights he’s in currently.”
Best known for his work on the Broadway musicals such as Hamilton and In The Heights, Miranda moonlights as a persistent figure of inspiration in a world of despair.
“If you want to throw away your shot, you might as well be ripping out your beating heart and dunking it in the trash. You’re young, scrappy and hungry, just like Hamilton in my play Hamilton. But make sure that it's compost-friendly, so that the Earth may reclaim what belongs to it!” Lin-Manuel said, leaping up on the cafeteria bar while spinning hot plates in a rhythmic fashion. “Follow your dreams Carlos. I can’t won’t and shan’t sleep a wink until you do.”
The damage that Lin-Miranda had done to the wall had not gone unnoticed by the school’s faculty.
“Honestly, I’m with the kid on this one. Spelling bees are highly overrated, just like a certain someone’s contributions to musical theater,” said Wichita High groundskeeper Dan Chevy. “I think Lin is well intentioned, but he also destroyed the cafeteria wall. You know how long it’s going to take to fix that shit? Yeah he’ll post a big sappy apology to the school on Twitter but at the end of the day he still broke the fucking wall.”
At press time, Lin-Manuel Miranda reportedly burst into the apartment of a woman who decided to close down her etsy store.