'I’m In,' Announces 90s Movie Hacker During Sex

Warner Bros.

DENVER — “I’m in,” 90s movie hacker Elliot Barnes announced as he and recent acquaintance Kate Murphy writhed in hurried, carnal pleasure while hiding from patrolling cyber-ghouls inside an abandoned office building, according to partially-scrambled security camera footage.

“You know, a lot of people think of us hackers as dorks who house Jolt Cola and play Dune 2000 in our basements. But we’re erotic beings too,” whispered Barnes, known on the net as “Proxy Desperado,” as he pulled up his pants having successfully completed his download. “I mean, if we’re going to watch the future destroyed while getting skinned by laser-tentacles, that nervous energy has to go somewhere, right?”

Despite the mortal danger the two were in, Barnes was determined to put his elite hacking skills to good use and access Murphy’s “mainframe” through quick, jittery love-making.

“I felt the smoldering sexual chemistry between us since the moment I first intentionally bumped into Elliot as a cover for placing the Time-Crystal inside his jacket pocket,” said Murphy, a time-traveling journalist from the year 2099. “In the future, emotion and sexual attraction are punishable by death, so Elliot was the first person I came across in the time-slip who was dtf. That’s future speak for ‘down to fuck.’ Anyway, he's got a lot of experience accessing 'sensitive' areas so I feel like I'm in good hands.”

Despite the tense situation, the cyber-ghouls tracking the pair seemed relaxed, unafraid that they would miss their chance to plunge the future into a post-apocalyptic hellscape.

“Sometimes, I think of us as an aphrodisiac.” Said cyber-ghoul Jeff, from behind a neon skull mask. “You’d be surprised how often these dipshits get laser-peeled mid-thrust by one of us. It’s like, geez, don’t you have more important things to do, like keep us from getting the Chrono-gauntlet or whatever, rather than grunting out computer innuendo as you try not to cyber-jizz too fast? Anyway, I think I hear some khakis unzipping.”

At press time, despite their ill-timed sexual interlude Barnes and Murphy had managed to evade laser-flaying via a ceiling vent conveniently exactly big enough for two.

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