Experts No Closer To Determining Why Jared Leto Standing Outside Your Window Every Night
LOS ANGELES — Despite years of research, experts have come no closer to determining why award-winning actor-musician Jared Leto has been hanging around outside your bedroom window every night, disturbed sources report.
“I wasn’t even sure who Jared Leto was, that is, until the stalking started,” said Paul Mobius, 24, hands shaking as struggled to hold his coffee. “But now his crystal blue eyes have been seared into my mind as I try, desperately, to sleep. I don’t know what he wants. He doesn’t eat. He doesn’t speak. I tried playing his films, reacting the way he’d maybe want me to. I bought Mr. Nobody on fucking iTunes. But at my window he remains.”
Though this is the first time many Americans are experiencing nightly hauntings of Jared Leto, some claim it’s happened before.
“I remember when this began, years ago,” one anonymous SAG member explained. “Nearly ten years ago, back in 2012, my visions of Leto began, his figure looming by the window. I recognized him from My So-Called Life, so I ignored him at first. It felt easy enough. But before long, his unblinking soul-stare got under my skin. My children wept. My wife threatened to leave me. I knew something had to be done. I praised him, calling him ‘moving’ and saying him standing at my window ‘his most anguished performance yet’.”
But now Leto is back, and the injustice of it all has experts racking their brains.
“It’s true, Leto has conveniently returned in time for another awards campaign. But we’re not jumping to any conclusions,” said FBI agent Dana Smothers, “We have to look at the facts: he appears outside the windows of citizens across the country. Filmmakers, academy members, and regular citizens. He appears around the time of release of his films, both award contenders and duds. He mostly appears outside windows, but sometimes in fireplaces or bathroom mirrors. Leto himself makes no recognition of these claims, and most academy members have kept quiet on the matter. So the question remains: who is Jared Leto, and why do we continue to see him? It’s just… twisted.”
At press time, Rami Malek was reported to be looking at you from atop a hill in the near distance.