Death Eaters Warn Harry Potter Destroying Horcruxes Will Further Divide Wizarding World

Warner Bros.

LONDON — Following the attempted overthrow of the Ministry of Magic in the name of Lord Voldemort, Death Eaters warned Harry Potter Monday afternoon that destroying the Dark Lord’s Horcruxes will only further divide the Wizarding World.

“We’re already in a time of such turmoil. Any accountability for last week’s chaos, including the warranted destruction of Lord Voldemort’s Horcruxes, would do nothing but exacerbate the division between the Order of the Phoenix and mass murderers like us Death Eaters,” said notorious Voldemort sycophant and right-hand man Lucious Malfoy, before indiscriminately unleashing the killing curse upon a crowd of innocent muggles. “What we need right now is to heal. We need to come together as a nation of pure-blooded Wizards.”

Those trying to save the Wizarding World were not surprised.

“Of course Lucious would say that. But do people not understand that if we don’t hold Voldemort and his enablers accountable, they’ll just become emboldened and try this shit again? This literally happened a couple years ago,” said Chosen One and Boy Who Lived, Harry Potter, while waiting for Hermione to tell him what to do next. “And the senior leadership of the Order of the Phoenix is so toothless. All they do is send around mass letters saying, ‘#DestroyTheHorcruxes. Pass it on,’ even though they have actionable power to stop him. I’m fucking sick of it.”

Some of Voldemort’s supporters believe his attempted coup was one step too far.

“While I am still a fervent supporter of Lord Voldemort and have killed many many people in his name, what happened at the Ministry was an absolute tragedy and I thoroughly condemn it. As such, I am resigning from the Death Eaters in an attempt to save face. Please forget that I have been complicit for years and be nice to me,” said Hogwarts professor and former Death Eater Severus Snape.

At press time, U.S. Senators Ted Cruz and Josh Hawley had both voiced their support for the embattled Dark Lord.

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