YA Series Requires 10 Years High School Experience to Play High Schooler

The CW

BURBANK, Calif. — Seeking hot, but not necessarily talented new talent, upcoming YA series The Love Diaries has put out a casting call looking for actors with at least “10 years of high school experience” to portray the leads, washed-up agents report.

“I bombed the audition. I just don’t know what it’s like to be a high schooler these days,” lamented 16-year-old actor Josh Tweedy while doing AP US History homework. “Like, I’m active on social media, homework takes up most of my free time, and I don’t know anybody who’s ever been murdered. My jawline could cut wood, but not glass. I’ve never even kissed a vampire. I don’t have any perspective yet. That’s okay, though; I’m sure in a few years I’ll be brooding enough to take on the job.”

Ultimately, the role went to a more experienced actor.

“I’m pretty stoked on the gig,” reported 32 year-old actor Forest Pines while sitting on a dock at sunset and idly strumming an acoustic guitar. “I needed the role pretty bad; I’ve been secretly living in the gym to save on rent and gain on, uh, gains. I loved high school, too, so I think I’ll be pretty good. All that hanging out by my locker for hours at a time, getting celebrities to visit my small midwestern town, throwing parties with thousands of dollars worth of liquor… good, good times.”

Current high schoolers have expressed doubts whether the series will accurately capture the high school experience.

“These things are never realistic,” complained nobody high school junior Jaden Moore, who was busy losing a round of Fortnite. “Like, why do they always make the school band sound good? I want to hear it like it is: dogshit saxophonists who won’t stop playing ‘Careless Whisper.’ Also, why are the bathrooms always so nice? I can’t even go take a piss without slipping on soap that punks have rubbed all over the floor, getting a Juul blown in my face, or seeing a whole roll of toilet paper overflowing a graffitied toilet. Come on, at least try to make it realistic! At least the actors look age-appropriate.”

At press time, Willem Dafoe had just been cast as a wise and empathic English teacher who encourages students to live rich lives outside the classroom.

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