AMC Stocks Soar After Announcement They Finally Fixed The Other Escalator
NEW YORK — Shares in AMC Entertainment were up nearly 300% today, a huge gain for the company that analysts are attributing to the recent news that repairs have been completed to the escalator on the left side of the stairs, enthusiastic stockbrokers confirmed.
“We didn’t see this coming,” Financial Advisor Allen Meadows painfully admitted. “Of course, with COVID, the markets are particularly unpredictable, but it seemed safe to assume that investing in a company dependent on large indoor gatherings was a bad idea. Now I look like a fool, obviously. You have no idea how much my clients pay me not to miss shit like significant escalator repair.”
While top investment brokers were left on their heels, those with a keen eye to detail were the ones who benefitted from today’s trades.
“I’ve always loved going to movie theaters. But I never considered investing my own money in the company because every time I went, one of the escalators was out of order. It was a crap shoot whether the working one would be going up or down. Pure chaos,” said casual AMC customer Christina Sanchez. “Who would put a financial stake in that kind of mess? But then I saw a construction crew working on them when I went to see Tenet, and bought the shares right then and there. That’s not like, insider trading, right?”
AMC CEO Adam Aron asserted the theater chain’s well-timed escalator repair and skyrocketing stock price is no coincidence.
“It’s been a difficult year for our industry. It’s led to difficult decisions. People were calling me at all hours screaming ‘Adam! Are you crazy? Streaming services are dominating, shutdowns are still in effect, the vaccine rollout is miles behind, and you’re gonna put money in to fix the escalator now?!’ But as a leader, it’s my responsibility to do the right thing for the company, even if it’s controversial.”
At press time, Aron announced a special “one ticket for the price of three” deal for AMC A-List members following the big escalator repair.
