Michael Bay's Family Reunion Fails Bechdel Test
MIAMI – Despite the presence of half a dozen women, Michael Bay’s annual family reunion picnic failed the Bechdel test, female attendees inferred.
“I just wanted to chat with my family, but I could barely get a word in edgewise,” lamented Bay’s sister, Lisa. “Nobody asked me about my work, my dog, or even if I wanted to eat something. When I tried to talk to my mom, it was all about Michael’s latest movies and Dad’s stupid accounting work. I did have a nice conversation about US market imperialism with Female Cousin #2, but she doesn’t have a name so that barely counts!”
Other family members, however, came to Bay’s defense.
“All these people online call Mikey a sexist or something. I don’t really get it,” reported Female Cousin #4, eating an impossibly messy burger while wearing jorts and a tank top as a Black Keys instrumental played in the background. “He told me that I was his favorite adopted step-cousin, so he based some of his favorite characters on scenes from our childhood. Like this one time, I was trying to bake him cookies in my best miniskirt, and he rigged up the oven’s gas line so that it would burn off my clothes, revealing a ton of skin but keeping any essential parts intact. He quickly took me to the hospital in my 1964 T-Bird, like a real gentleman.”
Bay was quick to dismiss concerns about the family reunion.
“What’s the big deal?” Bay asked critics, walking away from his Weber grill as it exploded behind him. “We’re just here to get together and catch up as a family: play some cornhole, enjoy some pieces of meat, and maybe also eat a burger or hot dog or something. Just because I’m hosting doesn’t mean I’m responsible for what my family does or which hot cousins get invited. So stop with these sexism allegations or whatever. I’m trying to enjoy my wholesome American afternoon so it can be a scene in my next flick.”
At press time, Michael Bay announced a supermodel he hooked up with would star in Transformers 12: Overt Military Sponsorship, alongside a giant ball of fire.
