Horror Movie Dog Can’t Believe He Has To Die For This Family
SALEM, Mass. — In sharp deviation from the strict haunted house pet guidelines, the Roscoe family’s German Shepherd, Scout, is unhappy about having to sacrifice his life battling evil forces, sources report.
“I’m sorry to say it, but this family is a bunch of losers. The Dad can’t hold a job and the Mom is on so many pills she doesn’t even know she has a dog. And those fucking kids. They haven’t taken me for a walk in years,” said Scout, before a futile attempt to warn his owners about the demonic presence infesting the house via bark. “I’m supposed to just lay down my life for them? There has to be some sort of amendment to this rule. It’s not fair.”
Despite Scout’s objections, the family patriarch, believes moving his family to the country will be good for all involved.
“This last year was rough with the economy, and I haven’t been able to find work. My wife has been so stressed she’s taken ill. So finding this great big 200-year-old farmhouse at the end of this long tree-lined dirt road is a godsend. We even found a cool secret attic with writing all over the walls that the kids love to play in,” said Mr. Roscoe while sharpening an axe he found under some loose floorboards. “Oh sure, we get some bumps in the night, and the kids stare into dark corners most of the day. But they’ll come around. And if anything weird comes up, ole’ Scout here will protect us.”
Studies show that there has been a massive increase in demon-related dog deaths in recent years.
“I’m not the bad guy here. I hate dogs dying as much as you do. I have a pack of hellhounds myself. But the sad fact is we have jobs to do like anyone else. And dogs see that shit long before you worthless humans do,” growled Satan, supreme overlord of Hell. “Listen. If you’re a pet owner, act like it. Leave the dog behind if you’re going to move into a farmhouse or mansion or visit a secluded cabin for a sex and drug-filled weekend.”
At press time, Scout was seen unenthusiastically barking at something invisible behind a clothesline.
