Oh Fuck, Guy Thinks They Should Make An ‘Infinite Jest’ Movie

CONSHOHOCKEN, Pa. — A group of friends’ genial discussion about their favorite movies came to a screeching halt when Stephen Norris, a film major at Montgomery County Community College, announced that he’d love to see David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest on the silver screen, disturbed sources warned.

“It would be magnificent,” Norris said loudly in the middle of a female colleague's sentence. “To see Dave Wallace’s magnum opus brought to life, preferably by Martin Scorsese, would be an incredible experience. Anyone who really gets the book is totally able to visualize it, and it would be such a poignant film in this corporate age of PC crap, with everyone glued to their iPhones instead of calling girls 'doll face’ while wearing unwashed overalls like real men.”

The sudden and unwelcome opinion caused Norris’s friends to practically scatter out of the room with disgust.

“I almost threw up,” recalled Sheena Magnone, Norris’ former friend. “Why we still even bother talking about David Foster Wallace is beyond me. The dude was a gross misogynist who, for all his so-called genius, failed to understand a simple phrase like ‘less is more.’ Think of how shitty it would be to watch an eleven hour movie about some neurotic dweeb playing tennis in the year nineteen-peanut-butter or whatever. Ugh, so terrible.”

While previous attempts at a film adaptation of Infinite Jest have been considered by some of Hollywood’s most successful studios, none have ever come to fruition.

“No goddamn way we’re ever making that movie,” declared Joseph Warner, a marketing executive for 20th Century Studios. “It would cost $10 billion to make, a half a day to watch, and fifteen minutes to get every person working at this studio ousted from society for being part of such an awful project. Besides, I have yet to find a director good enough to turn several hundred pages of pointless footnotes into watchable cinema.”

Sources later confirmed that what few friends Mr. Norris has left ran far and away when he said he would also like to see the movie version of House Of Leaves.

Run Time:

Martin Scorsese Takes Chance On Unknown Actor In Forthcoming Movie

NEW YORK — Further solidifying his status as a titan of the entertainment industry, legendary director Martin...

New Netflix True Crime Docuseries Spends Eight Episodes Not Finding Out Who Did It

DILLWEED, Ill. — Over the course of eight long, one hour episodes, new Netflix docuseries, Kids: Missing? takes a...

Fuck, Sitcom You Watched To Get Your Mind Off Of Things Just Got Really Sad

BOISE, Idaho — Throwing a depressing curveball at its audience, the quirky sitcom that you started watching to take...

Oscars Signal Return To Normalcy By Snubbing Actors Of Color

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Audiences were treated to a glimpse of pre-pandemic normalcy during last night’s 93rd Academy...

Marvel Reveals ‘Deadpool 3’ Will Break Fifth Wall By Sending Ryan Reynolds To Watch With You

LOS ANGELES — Squeezing every possible penny out of their raunchiest cinematic property, Marvel announced Monday...

Ricky Gervais Mutters Cheeky Oscars Banter Alone On Couch

LONDON — Breathing a sigh of relief, audiences watched the biggest names in Hollywood celebrate the 93rd Academy...