Ricky Gervais Mutters Cheeky Oscars Banter Alone On Couch


LONDON — Breathing a sigh of relief, audiences watched the biggest names in Hollywood celebrate the 93rd Academy Awards while English comedian and five time Golden Globes host Ricky Gervais sat alone on his couch muttering cheeky Oscars banter to himself, grateful sources confirm.

“Being nominated for Best Actor is a huge honor but I’ve been dreading the ceremony because I’d heard Ricky Gervais would be here,” admitted Minari star Steven Yeun. “You know when you go to a party and there’s that guy who has to ruin everyone’s fun by trying too hard to be edgy? It’s like, yeah dude, we get it. John Lennon was a dick, but you don’t need to talk over ‘Lovely Rita’ to tell people that. It’s always a competition with that guy to make himself look cooler when he’s really just begging for attention.”

Gervais offered his own insight to the matter between commercial breaks.

“Those Hollywood fakes just couldn’t handle me, I reckon,” he explained while brushing potato chip crumbs off his stained t-shirt. “Everyone is so sensitive and afraid of Big Bad Ricky calling them out that they had to leave me off the guest list. I’d have said ‘Anthony Hopkins starred in Father, but it was more like Grandfather.’ They’d have hated it but you can’t stop me. Go ahead and get offended, I don’t care. I remember Joaquin Phoenix giving a speech at the Globes last year to talk about racism and gender inequality, trying to raise awareness or some rubbish, so I zinged him and reminded him he came to the party in a limo because he’s famous. That’ll teach him to try and match wits with me.”

For her part, Gervais’s wife Jane Fallon expressed sadness that he would not be in attendance at the ceremony.

“Ricky has been moping around the place all day,” she said. “I think he must’ve expected they would ask him to host because he just kept checking his messages and there was a charge for a flight to Los Angeles on the bank statement. His tuxedo was all dry cleaned and everything. I haven’t seen him this sad since last year when nobody came to his birthday party. I just wish he’d make friends with some of the nice neighborhood boys.”

At press time, Gervais was reportedly seen throwing darts at a dartboard with Billy Crystal’s photo taped to it.

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