Leonardo DiCaprio Abandons Acting Career After It Turns 30 Years Old

Warner Bros.

LOS ANGELES — Actor and environmentalist Leonardo DiCaprio stunned the entertainment industry this Tuesday when he announced his retirement from the silver screen now that his career is approaching a length of 30 years.

“I’ve had a great run, but I think my time has come,” DiCaprio told the public in an Instagram caption. “I’ve had the joy of leeching lifeforce from Martin Scorsese to stay 29 years old for the past 17 years, and while it’s been great, I’ve talked to my girlfriend’s math teacher and the numbers just aren’t sustainable. So it is with a heavy but proud heart that I announce my retirement from acting. I’ll be fully dedicating my life to my new nonprofit, which funds revolutionary methods of giving my exes hush money and sometimes green energy.”

Some of DiCaprio’s colleagues were surprised by the announcement.

“It’s weird, Leo and I have been friends for decades but he didn’t give me any heads up,” Kate Winslet reported while frantically scrolling on her phone. “I had just texted him yesterday, and the day before that. Also a week before. And a few months before that. He, uh… hasn’t replied to me since 2006, I think? But it’s just one of those quirky old friend things! He always calls a few times a year to ask for a copy of that drawing of me he did in Titanic, anyway.”

Others close to the situation saw it as a pattern of behavior.

“There’s a well-established trend,” explained UCLA statistics major Britney Ireland. “DiCaprio gains and loses interest relatively quickly. Having interviewed him over drinks recently, he told me that my age, 22, is ‘the perfect age’ and that I was ‘incredibly perceptive for somebody so young.’ Using this apparent perceptiveness, I was able to log data over our next three meetups. He deliberately tanked his career around 20 years in, because he ‘prefers all things around that age.' His words. Not mine.”

At press time, DiCaprio clarified he’s intended on retiring since The Great Gatsby, which taught him the long-standing superiority of the 20s.

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