Aaron Sorkin's Suez Canal Screenplay Just 300 Pages Of White People Talking

PORT SAID, Egypt — After increasing chatter from industry experts, Aaron Sorkin announced Wednesday that he's finished a 300-page screenplay based on the blockage of the Suez Canal, and that it mainly features white people talking, annoyed sources reported.

"Anytime I see something like this happening, something that has captured the world’s attention, my first impulse is to start typing," said the Trial of the Chicago 7 director between takes of filming his Masterclass on ‘Walk n’ Talk’ dialogue. “I feel the urge to be the one to explain to everyone how this happened and what the fallout was and continues to be. I’ve already got a great cast of nondescript, fast-talking white guys who can help people understand it all by having long conversations about it as they move from point A to point B and walk around the ship and stuff."

A bidding war is already underway for rights to produce the script, which Sorkin wrote on a 3-day caffeine binge.

"Aaron Sorkin is one of the last great bankable creators in film," said Jim Gianopulos, CEO of Paramount Pictures. "Consumers love turning on a Sorkin movie and just zoning out as white people talk a bunch. It's like when humans make a bunch of kissy noises and talk real sweet to a dog. They can be saying anything, really, and the dog will wag its tail and get all excited. And this script is 300 pages. It’s gonna be a home run."

Insiders who have read the screenplay were more critical of the project.

"It's crazy how often this dude repeats himself. I actually think he hits ctrl+f and replaces the proper nouns. He seems to think he's already written every kind of conversation white people can possibly have," said development coordinator Erica Crowley. "And you know what? I’ll say it. This Suez script has the audacity to be 5 hours of an all-white ensemble cast aboard a Taiwanese cargo ship stuck in a centuries-old Egyptian canal. Like, is this for real?”

At press time, members of the Suez Canal Authority requested the film not be released in Egypt until they had time to catch up to present-day on The Newsroom.

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