Adventure Movie Scientists Warn Climate Change May Eradicate World's Quicksand, Snake Pits


PETRA, JORDAN — In a new study inked in blood and printed on parchment, the Association of Adventure Movie Scientists (TAAMS) warned that the onset of climate change may soon destroy the last remaining quicksand and snake pits, disappointed explorers confirmed.

“The Earth is heating up. In just ten years, the last remaining quicksand deposits may be gone. The number of human bones future archaeologists will excavate beneath pits of wet sand is rapidly diminishing. Let that sink in. No pun intended,” explained professor and climate scientist Harry Kleinman. “That goes for snake pits too. You fall into a cavity somewhere in the South American jungle today, and odds are you won’t immediately be bitten to death by 600 black mambas. It’s frightening and disheartening.”

Youth environmental activists are taking the warnings very seriously.

“This is a crisis and young people will pay the price,” says 18-year-old Fridays For Future leader Gwen Franken. “When my dad went to the Bolivian jungle in the 70s, he could have easily died by sinking into a vacuum of wet sand or been killed by a wooden trap set up over 50 years ago that’s somehow still working. But those obstacles might not be there for me and my generation.”

World leaders, especially those on the political right, have been either dismissive or ignorant of the situation.

“No-one takes snake pits more seriously than me, but the science isn’t clear. The idea that you couldn’t, in ten years’ time, get pulled into quicksand and die a horrible death by suffocation is ridiculous,” said Republican senator Ted Cruz of Texas. “I know a lot of people wish that upon me. To which I say: You have good reason for that, and should be happy it could still happen one day, in my estimation.”

At press time, TAAMS updated their study, adding that there are now less than 10 rickety rope bridges spanning across wild, crocodile-infested rivers left in the world.

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