Authorities Warn Of Men With Wire-Framed Glasses Telling You To Download Letterboxd

Henrique Vicente

WASHINGTON, D.C. — For the first time in over a year, federal officials have issued an all-points bulletin warning the population about “men with wire-framed glasses telling you to download Letterboxd,” terrified sources report.

“We believe the recent nomination snubs of films no one has heard of may spur these angry, pretentious men in wire-framed glasses – who typically also wear little hats – to action,” explained Alejandro Mayorkas, Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security. “When Emily in Paris appeared on the Golden Globes shortlist, I knew the DHS would have to use drastic measures to keep our citizens safe. Rest assured, we are currently watching each and every coffee shop that doubles as a comedy club to monitor the situation.”

Critics say the government is not doing enough to protect people from men with wire framed glasses, many of whom believe that Duncan Jones’ Moon is the greatest movie of all time.

“I was minding my business at my local bookstore when this guy carrying a copy of the UCB manual told me I couldn’t possibly understand the complexities of Rushmore by Wes Anderson. Completely unprompted,” said copywriter Christina Blackwell. “Then he tried to show me his definitive ranking of all the Tremors movies on Letterboxd. I shudder to even think about it. I mean, I have the app and love those movies, but who fucking does that?”

Sources indicate that these men feel singled out by the new government directives.

“It’s absurd for the government to target me simply for wearing wire framed glasses” said Matthew Leslie, ostensibly unaware that he is being targeted for his actions. “Letterboxd is the best way for film scholars and cinephiles to communicate with each other. How else am I to find people interested in my 6 page thesis about how the Star Wars movies are a metaphor for Adorno’s culture industry.”

At press time, the DHS released a statement clarifying that women with bangs trying to get you to download Goodreads are not a threat.

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