Help! I Dyed My Hair Blue And Now Men Won’t Stop Projecting Romantic Idealism Onto Me


Hello?! Is anyone out there? HELP! I dyed my hair blue and now I’m trapped in some random guy’s dream and I can’t stop rollerblading!!

All I wanted was to make a change in my life, for myself, and suddenly all these weird things are happening. Guys keep making me mixtapes with tons of The Smiths on it, my entire wardrobe has been replaced with vintage 50’s A-line dresses and kitten heels, and I always smell like Anthropologie candles.

Guys keep cornering me in bars when I’m just trying to enjoy my pink wine in peace, talking my ear off about their app idea or their failed career as architects. Then they touch my chin with their thumb, tell me I’m “mysterious” and stare into my massive, violet eyes. I’m not mysterious, you’ve just been talking about yourself for thirty minutes without asking me any questions. I keep looking to the bartender for help, but even he keeps biting his lip and sliding me a CD of his indie band’s demo. What’s happening to me?

I wanted a purely physical change when I went blue, but I guess complete upheaval of my life and the erasure of my entire personality works too. Not that I have a choice when some skinny self-proclaimed feminist who does improv thinks I’m quirky.

Now all I can seem to do is say cool or aloof things then exit rooms. People acknowledge my bisexuality at least, which is affirming, but it’s more as an eccentric footnote, instead of a legitimate identity. I want to turn to any of my female friends and ask them for help, but it seems like I only hang out with random goofy dudes or spend time alone, antiquing for more neat trinkets.

Oh no, this is getting out of hand. I gotta dye my hair back before another sad man writes me into a screenplay.

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