Coroner Concludes Victim Of Ghost Attack Died From Not Knowing Who To Call

The CW / Columbia Pictures

NEW YORK — New York County Coroner Anita Hannjaab confirmed early Wednesday morning that the cause of 38-year-old Dolores Duncan’s death in her upper east side apartment following a vicious ghost was a severe case of not knowing who to call.

“From all the slime, it looks like a slime ghost got her. What a shame. They’re not all that hard to deal with individually, but if she really needed help she could have called the Ghostbusters and this whole thing would have been avoided. Who sees a paranormal entity and doesn’t call the ghostbusters? Her phone was in her pocket. If I sound annoyed it’s because I’m here cleaning this green shit up and not 6 Long Island Iced Tea’s deep at a P.F. Changs. But what are you gonna do?”

Duncan’s neighbor, Mia Richards, described the moment she discovered her late friend’s body.

“Dolores and I were hanging out and doing a few bumps off her husband's urn like any other Tuesday. But that night was different. Before heading over, I could smell something nasty coming from the wall. I thought ‘alright, my husband accidentally came in one of the ferns again’ but that wasn’t it. She looked just awful, coated in this viscous green goo. I just wish I could have gotten there sooner. One call to the appropriate authorities could have saved her life.”

The Ghostbusters feared this would begin happening.

“Just like any other city department in New York, we’re underfunded. We recently changed our emergency hotline number, but didn’t have the money to effectively notify the residents of New York City, and not enough people got the memo. This is the 5th ghost related killing this week,” said Ghostbuster Ray Stantz.

“9-11 needs to change their number? Sure! Do a giant campaign, let the whole world know. But for the Ghostbusters? Nope. It’s absurd.”

At press time, Mayor de Blasio issued a statement explaining The Ghostbusters’ lack of funding is simply part of his plan to be the “shittiest mayor New York City has ever seen.”

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