Extended Cut Of 'The Lighthouse' Adds 20 Minutes of Robert Pattinson Masturbating

A24

LOS ANGELES — An upcoming extended-release of modern art-house horror classic The Lighthouse promises additional footage of titular actor Robert Patterson pleasuring himself, overjoyed sources report.

“When we shot the movie, I had a good hour and half of Robert just straight up whackin’ it. For theatrical release, we were running a little long, so all but ten minutes of the masturbation ended up on the cutting room floor. Boy am I glad to get that sweet, sweet footage back on the screen,” said Lighthouse Director Robert Eggers. “I got to say that Rob was a real gamer on this. I’ve called him back in for at least three reshoots. He’s been able to bring the juice each time.”

Pattinson himself is looking forward to the release and is glad to finally see his hard work appreciated.

“I will always be grateful to the Twilight series for making me the star I am, but I always felt the series stifled my ability to show off my entire toolset. As horny as those movies were, some things were just off the table. Well, the last three movies I have done have shown me jerking off, so I guess I was right,” said Pattinson. “I went full method for The Lighthouse. Lived in a dark space, ate simple rations, and only jerked off in a dirty old shed behind my house. I’m glad to see that work getting recognition.”

With the success of The Lighthouse, production company A24 is searching for ways to expand on the Pattinson Masturbation brand.

"It was great to see the overwhelming response to Pattinson’s masturbatory talents. After we watched the scene over and over again for a couple of hours we knew it was going to be a big hit. We’re here to help him achieve his dream of making it his trademark,” said A24’s Talent Director Mark Johannsson. “So from this moment forward we would like to add at least one Pattinson masturbation scene to every upcoming release. It’s the least we can do.”

At press time, Pattinson was unavailable for further comment, as he had been in the bathroom for at least 45 minutes.

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