Extended Cut Of 'The Lighthouse' Adds 20 Minutes of Robert Pattinson Masturbating

A24

LOS ANGELES — An upcoming extended-release of modern art-house horror classic The Lighthouse promises additional footage of titular actor Robert Patterson pleasuring himself, overjoyed sources report.

“When we shot the movie, I had a good hour and half of Robert just straight up whackin’ it. For theatrical release, we were running a little long, so all but ten minutes of the masturbation ended up on the cutting room floor. Boy am I glad to get that sweet, sweet footage back on the screen,” said Lighthouse Director Robert Eggers. “I got to say that Rob was a real gamer on this. I’ve called him back in for at least three reshoots. He’s been able to bring the juice each time.”

Pattinson himself is looking forward to the release and is glad to finally see his hard work appreciated.

“I will always be grateful to the Twilight series for making me the star I am, but I always felt the series stifled my ability to show off my entire toolset. As horny as those movies were, some things were just off the table. Well, the last three movies I have done have shown me jerking off, so I guess I was right,” said Pattinson. “I went full method for The Lighthouse. Lived in a dark space, ate simple rations, and only jerked off in a dirty old shed behind my house. I’m glad to see that work getting recognition.”

With the success of The Lighthouse, production company A24 is searching for ways to expand on the Pattinson Masturbation brand.

"It was great to see the overwhelming response to Pattinson’s masturbatory talents. After we watched the scene over and over again for a couple of hours we knew it was going to be a big hit. We’re here to help him achieve his dream of making it his trademark,” said A24’s Talent Director Mark Johannsson. “So from this moment forward we would like to add at least one Pattinson masturbation scene to every upcoming release. It’s the least we can do.”

At press time, Pattinson was unavailable for further comment, as he had been in the bathroom for at least 45 minutes.

Type:
Run Time:
Genre:
MORE FROM THE PLOT TWIST

Zack Snyder Announces New Film After Discovering Second Leonard Cohen Song

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Filmmaker Zack Snyder has reportedly begun working on a new cinematic project after discovering...

Hyperrealistic Teen Drama Features Scene Where Kids Smoke Out Of Apple At “ The Spot”

LOS ANGELES — Audiences were stunned by the laser-accuracy of the pilot of Euphoria creator Sam Levinson's most...

Man's DVD Collection 90% Ironic

LEBANON, Tenn. — Local film enthusiast Jeffrey Morrison came to the stunning realization earlier this week that of...

Authorities Warn Of Men With Wire-Framed Glasses Telling You To Download Letterboxd

WASHINGTON, D.C. — For the first time in over a year, federal officials have issued an all-points bulletin warning...

Horror Movie Dog Can’t Believe He Has To Die For This Family

SALEM, Mass. — In sharp deviation from the strict haunted house pet guidelines, the Roscoe family’s German Shepherd...

Paddington Cinematic Universe Creates Shared Fantasy World Where Kindness And Decency Win

LONDON, UK — Representatives from Studiocanal UK confirmed today that the third Paddington film would be part of a...