HALO Jumping Ethan Hunt Starting To Think Undercover Mission As “Tom Cruise” Has Gone Too Far

Paramount Pictures

PARIS – Scrambling to reconnect his oxygen tank before performing a High-Altitude, Low Opening jump into stormy Parisian airspace for a practical stunt, Impossible Mission Force agent Ethan Hunt began to think his deep cover operation as “beloved actor Tom Cruise” had gone too far, anarchist terror cell John Lark reported.

“I should have retired years ago, but no, I had to turn this Cruise character into a coked-out, adrenaline-seeking workhorse without an off button,” the fearless special agent could be heard muttering to himself on a hot mic. “How the fuck is jumping out of a literal plane relevant at all to investigating the Church of Scientology? Whatever, time to throw my increasingly-aged body out of a plane and into the capricious arms of fate yet again, I guess.”

Some on the production team believe the adventuresome actor is making things harder on himself than they need to be.

“If Tom doesn’t want to do a stunt, we have stunt doubles for literally that exact purpose,” said director Christopher McQuarrie. “This shit’s super dangerous. But with his insistence on doing them, it’s almost like he’s trying to be a real secret agent or something. It would certainly explain how he’s able to fly a helicopter and hold his breath for five minutes with so little training… Come on, though, that’d be ridiculous, right? There’s no way. He’s too short to be a spy.”

Hunt’s handler showed little concern for the agent relative to the mission.

“I’m aware that what we’ve asked him to do could very well kill him, but that’s the job.” said ‘Mission: Impossible - Fallout’ co-star Angela Bassett with commanding authority on a secure line. “Hunt’s mission as Cruise is a lot more complicated than you might think. He’s not running around in a rubber mask playing trick or treat like it’s Halloween. Lives are at stake, and as his handler I have to make sure he saves them - even if it means putting his own in harm’s way.”

At press time, Hunt and the Mission: Impossible film crew were spotted potentially destabilizing U.S.-Central European relations on a bridge in Poland.

Run Time:

'I’m In,' Announces 90s Movie Hacker During Sex

DENVER — “I’m in,” 90s movie hacker Elliot Barnes announced as he and recent acquaintance Kate Murphy writhed in...

‘Jackass 4’ Stunt Has Cast and Crew Watch ‘Jackass 3’ In Crowded Theater

LOS ANGELES — The latest entry in the Jackass franchise, now hitting theaters in October, includes a stunt...

Entry Level Entertainment Job Requires 10 Years Experience As Director's Child

LOS ANGELES – An entry level production assistant job for a new horror film from director Alan Harrison required that...

Furious Lin-Manuel Miranda Bursts Through Wall After Local Teen Throws Away Shot

WICHITA, Kan. — Musical theater magnate Lin-Manuel Miranda erupted through the walls of high school cafeteria to...

Martin Scorsese Takes Chance On Unknown Actor In Forthcoming Movie

NEW YORK — Further solidifying his status as a titan of the entertainment industry, legendary director Martin...

Cash-Strapped AMC Opens Fifth Theater In Burbank

BURBANK, Calif. — In the company’s biggest territorial expansion in over a decade, AMC Entertainment has announced...