New York Restaurant Fined For Having A24 Vibes

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Following multiple disturbing reports, one of Brooklyn’s trendiest new eateries was fined Tuesday morning by the Dept. of Health who discovered it to be a breeding ground for A24 vibes, city officials confirmed.

“We responded to a tip from an anonymous employee,” explained health inspector Sonya Dietz of the situation at The Florence Pew. “The poor girl called us crying, convinced that the lobster bisque featured on their menu contained bits of real Colin Ferrell. We were only able to confirm that claim was false by finding out that Colin Ferrell has fallen in love, and is allowed to keep his human form.”

Owner Benjamin Meyers was quick to defend his establishment, claiming he was not aware of his violations.

“I still don’t understand what the big deal is,” said Meyers, while illegally milking a neighbor’s cow for the next day’s batch of biscuits. “I thought having weekly screaming matches between Toni Collette and Robert Pattinson would be a hit. Nobody ever told me that was against code. Hell, my original idea was farting contests between Paul Dano and Daniel Radcliffe. I can’t imagine how they’d have reacted to that!”

Despite its recent arrival on the Brooklyn nightlife scene, The Florence Pew has managed to garner a few devoted customers who say the recent mishaps won’t sway them from coming back.

“It’s such a shame for this place to get bad press so early on,” lamented customer Ava McElroy. “I’ve loved the Pew since the first time I came in. The way the lights are really dim and somehow seem to suggest a theme relating to birthstones gave it the chillest vibe. Shutting it down would be the worst travesty since the Sandman got snubbed for an Oscar.”

Fines administered to The Florence Pew totaled to $1,575, and included citations for spilled beans and dead seabirds in the cistern.

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